Friday, November 18, 2005
[ still up but i don't know why ]
i was actually going to sleep. i even let my comp shut down. but i pressed the reset button in the end. just felt like blogging, maybe due to the guilt. have been too exhausted from work. it's not that easy to get scolded/criticised everyday, and force it not to affect me by just blocking it out, and forcing myself to just let go.
i've realised the importance of connections. alot of things at work that i can't settle, but i call one person to ask (beg pitifully) for help, and then i get even closer to the finish line. not that i know alot of pple, but i have to talk to many people to get things done or to follow up with some stuff etc, so well. better than nothing. i've definitely been much more patient, just grit my teeth and bear with everything, cos i'll probably have to ask for help from the same people again soon. trust me, all the disrespect that they show, i just grin and bear. that's my motto now, grin and bear, let it roll off and let it go.
feel very distanced from everything, mostly u guys. i don't really want to email or anything, though i do read the mass emails, when they do come. it didn't really occur to me how soon everyone's (except for yj of cos) will be coming back.. wish i could talk to u guys more, but well, the time diff really makes a diff, not to mention ur exams. i really lose track of time and days when i work, in relation to my personal life (which is non-existant). alot of ideas in my head now. but anyway, will discuss combined bday ideas again.
my fave pair of heels broke. now i have no comfy shoes.
new shoes i bought that were quite pretty totally ate up my toes. sigh.
12:38 AM |
0 possessed
Monday, November 07, 2005
[ rubber band, when will you snap? ]
feel as if i'm being pulled in all directions.i 'm half dead, but yet i feel strangely compelled to blog. it's been a long week, and a painful one at that. many ups and downs, i don't understand. everything's been piling up, and the stress on this rubber band's gonna make it snap or just fly off and shoot something. in some instances, i've been trying, i've been changing. i'm really getting old. i no longer try to resist change, cos i can't find the energy in me to put up a fight. i actually let things pass even i feel upset abt it. i've lost my character, in some ways. how sorry. i meekly accept all the sarcastic jabs, the meanness, the hostility. i try to adapt, i keep trying to spur myself on. one more hurdle, 5 more months. life will be better, it'll have to be, somehow, because i don't think there's any way down further. ok maybe rock bottoms can be drilled through. everything seems so bleak now. everything's just another burden. work, money, shopping even. everything that i used to find enjoyable. i don't remember enjoyment anymore. i just feel like snapping. things aren't that happy on the r/s front too. long thought abt giving up, cos it's always just another dead end. turn around and backtrack, but get frightened by all the corpses littered along the old path. and then take a new bend, only to find another dead end. all the crying's too trying. i don't believe i bawled my eyes out to erwin. i don't know if i'm just deluding myself into thinking i;m trying when actually i'm not. i don't know if i can make this work out. nowadays, thanks to work, everything's more of just, fuck it and just go. more often than not, though not always. honestly, i don't like the new me. i don't know. i just feel very confused and just stretched. it's the most i can do now, please stop expecting more from me, cos i've already dug out my heart to offer more, used my innards to generate more. i cannot change in a day, give me time, give me gentle patience and encouragement. it seems like everyone in every aspect of my life is just waiting to see me fall, to pounce on yet another mistake. every thing i do wrongly is magnified, but no one wants to see my little successes in little things. if i don't keep reminding myself of the little victories, i'd have given up long ago. and i still can't hold on much longer. it seems like every aspect of my life is the same. i need to escape. i need to run away.
12:45 AM |
0 possessed
