obsession / / p o s s e s s i o n

Friday, December 31, 2004

[ blissful ]

have been seeing him everyday from the 24th to the 27th.. wow.. =) but it's always for a lil while, with other pple around.. finally, we went out together today! after he absolutely begged me to go out for dinner just the two of us.. privately.. the poor boy's been "exhibited" so much (to use his description) =p it was so funny, i told him gillian wanted to see him (cos i was meeting him after shopping with her), and i said, "just see only, then she'll go, don't worry.." and then, he said, "see only? no touch? i thought i'm like a live specimen, must touch abit" (-_-)" my god, so lame.. but he's so funny =) he wasn't autistic today, yay =) dinner at fish and co was good, but i definitely overate.. it was wayyy too much =) abit noisy with the live singer, but still fun.. talking to him, stoning and being sleepy, grinning at him... feeling pretty and appreciated cos i knew his eyes were on me half the time (not all =p) i looked at his face so much today! wow i'm shocked.. haha i actually looked into his face.. think i'm much better at hiding my embarrassment nowadays.. we're so comfortable with each other, anyway.. ate the chocolate cake there.. yummy!! but the ice cream sucked.. think it was like. the marigold type, or something.. really lousy. but anyway, it was really fun.. enjoyed myself, felt pretty (and not fat!!!!!) today.. i love my earrings! really really really really really love them!! yup! feel really great inside.. i just want to sit beside him, smell the scent of his adidas body wash and davidoff cologne, lean against his shoulder, and fall asleep.. it's comfortable to be with him..

so i guess this really is love? i try to deny it, push it away, but yet i relish in the bliss, and want to let everyone know him and approve of him.. i want to hold on to this feeling.. and i don't want to let anyone or anything get me sad

i'm in love. i'm really really in love. i'm in love with the feeling of being in love.

2:30 AM | 0 possessed

Thursday, December 30, 2004

[ i love you too ]

"I simply adore u. You are cute, such a BABE, looks gd in any
situation(yes nosebleed included =p), intelligent, highly irritatable,
whiny, sweet, understanding, lovely,charming,fantastic,unobligating.
That's why i simply adore u.
I duno why, i enjoy listening to u, i juz wana be with you, i wana
look at you again and again, u make me feel comfortable."

1:51 AM | 0 possessed

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

[ proud muser =) ]

my god.. it's so sweet.............!!
i'm really so happy for her, he's the perfect guy for her.. not to mention how alike they look =p i'm really so glad that they're together.. the love's making both of them so happy

think i'm better off feeling happy for someone else's relationship than my own. obviously. there isn't the fear involved

8:49 PM | 0 possessed

[ pieces of memories unburied from the depths of my table ]

back then, when the love had gone, all that filled its place was melancholy.
melancholy is the worst feeling. i was just so tired of everything. of crying, fighting, trying to get a reaction out of him so that i know he cares.
it's not even depression or anything, cos then at least i could feel something.
melancholy is just..
being tired.
numb.
would this end up the same way?
i had forgotten how to be happy when i was with him. all i knew was that we fought all the time. i no longer found him funny, cos everything he did or said just made me sad.
jaded.

i don't want to go down this path again.

8:18 PM | 0 possessed

[ how now brown cow? ]

is this the elusive happiness?
this intangible feeling shrouding me?
there is a hop to every two steps
even when i'm stoning, i can't help but smile
i can feel from my heart once again

but
doesn't that mean
that i'm no longer impervious?
feeling from the heart only means
that i can get hurt again

how do i learn
how do i throw caution to the wind

8:17 PM | 0 possessed

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

[ unlabelled feelings ]

this feeling doesn't have a name.
it just creeps up on me, and infects every part of me.
i have no choice but to succumb to it, and relinquish possession of my heart.
once again, my self-defence mechanism has been voluntarily stopped. the walls are down, breached.
will i have to go through the pain again?

i cautiously tread into this relationship, praying not to be hurt yet again. trying to maintain the upper hand, trying not to get so involved.
but how am i supposed to hold myself back?
i don't want to be deliriously happy and lose my head
i have to have a firm hand on the happiness, before it washes me away...
..and i break onto the rocks.

i'm happy
but this happiness scares me

10:54 PM | 0 possessed

[ these words.. ]

.. are just too difficult to say.

do i even mean them? i have no idea.

where does really in like end and love start?

does the amount of time really matter?

i don't know.

Threw some chords together
The combination D-E-F
Is who I am, is what I do
No one’s gonna let it down for you
Try to focus my attention
But I feel so A-D-D
I need some help, some inspiration
(But it’s not coming easily)
Whoah oh…

Trying to find the magic
Trying to write a classic
Don’t you know, don’t you know, don’t you know?
Waste-bin full of paper
Clever rhymes, see you later

These words are my own
From my heart flown
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you
There’s no other way
To better say
I love you, I love you…

Written by Ricelli and Keys
Resided in over a heartbeat
I’m having trouble saying what I mean
With dead poets and drum machines
I know I had some studio time, but
But I couldn’t find a killer hook
Now you’re gonna raise the bar right up
Nothing I write is ever good enough

I’m getting off my stage
The curtains pull away
No hyper bowl to hide behind
I’m naked, so exposed
Whoah.. oh.. oh.. oh.. Whoah.. oh..

I love you, is that okay?

3:46 PM | 0 possessed

Sunday, December 26, 2004

[ merry xmas ]

yay! ok guess i don't have to say it, but anyway.. we're officially together!! =pppppp heh it's quite fun.. he's very funny!!! =) today was great, so fun at cheryl's house! hope yj didn't feel left out though.. felt so bad for her.. =( it was fun to all play together etc.. esp that evil evil erwin.. i'll get my revenge on him for the photos, see if i don't.. maybe we can coerce diana and daph to have one at their house for new year day =) anyway.. halo 2 isn't all that bad.. it's just fun to slack and not do anything.. time passed very fast!! left my phone in his car... argh!!!!!!!! i don't believe it!!! (-_-)" yeah, we cabbed to his house, then he sent me home.. bet it's only cos he was going for supper with his friend, so he just sent me home out of convenience.. hmm think i saw his brother.. cos i was waiting for him at some drop off area while he went up to get his specs..then when i got into the car, he said "shit! why's my brother there??". so. yeah. =) and he kissed me when he sent me home =) cheek only la!!!!!!!!!! heh

got really nice gifts from him for xmas.. he got me this pillowcase thing which was so lame............. it's the funny one with a dream bubble on one end of it, like u're dreaming of that thing.. he got me the macho man one, cos he said it was very familiar to him -_- so thick-skinned.. and then!!!!! he got me the good charlotte cd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! i'm soooo touched.. =) and a very cool, sewn card... yeah think he spent ALOT on the present.. and i felt guilty cos my present to him was like.. a friend thing. but now.. yeah. heh. so today, while running around with cheryl trying to find a present for erwin, i looked around for something for him.. ended up getting him a SEVENTY BUCKS bracelet... SEVENTY BUCKS! i don't even have seventy bucks in my savings now!!! but well just thought that if a normal bracelet was like 40+ 50+ bucks, might as well pay a bit more, and get that thing that can be engraved on.. heh engraved my name on the underside.. was wondering whether it was a bit too soon to do something like that.. it's only been a day!! but well.. =) caught up in the xmas and lovesick atmosphere (from cheryl and erwin =) ok i STILL don't believe i bought him a seventy bucks thing.... but well. i'm so proud of it! and (cheryl's idea again) an ear stud.. =) my initial! it was really embarrassing though.. heh =pp

anyway.. was really sad for both cheryl and erwin when she got that phonecall.. not sure who it is.. poor erwin.. he was really quite upset.. sigh. i'm really thankful that it's finally over (i hope) for me.. wouldn't want to put a guy through that.. =)

ok think i'll start reading the johnnydepp biography.. =) gonna relax today, and free eric from talking on the phone tonight.. i'm pretty sleepy too =) am feeling happy and lovely inside.. =p

1:30 AM | 0 possessed

Friday, December 24, 2004

[ his song ]

Well I know we just met yesterday
Things be look so right
But you always know just what to say
and what is on my mind
Girl I feel I need a special way to ask you to be mine,
But I dont know when's the perfect day
or what's the perfect time

Babe you, leave me confused,
Dont know if I should l let you know or wait it out girl,
Wish I knew
Just what to do
I'm so confused

So girl what you wanna see?
Wanna see me get down on my knees?
Wanna hear me begging baby please?
Wanna see me crying for mercy
Oh girl, I wish I knew your world
I think Im losing my head over you girl

Every bone in my body says I want you tonight
Pretty little hunny, why you there by my side
With your Hale Berry face and you Beyonce thighs
With you Juxci want to collide
?
Bump all night long with you sexy little waist
Come girl, come along,
wanna make love to you from dusk til dawn

Well I know that it maybe too soon
to know just what you'd like
But I wana know what you've been thru,
what you want from life
Its so real the way I feel so true,
this feelings so hard to fight
Wana now how you feel for me too,
So you can become of mine

Babe you, leave me confused,
Dont know if I should l let you know
or wait it out girl,
Wish I knew
Just what to do
Im so confused

Well someone once told me that you'd end up lonely
Dont let love ever pass you by
Coz I've seen it happen to people
that mattered to me with my very own eyes
Maybe they were mistaken
And I should be waiting, for you to show me a sign
Or should I just let you know that if I let you go,
Id wonder the rest of my life

To be or not to be, that is the question
I dont know what to do Im in a state of confusion
All I want from you is your love and affection
Is this love real or just an illusion?

~ so confused || 2play

5:10 AM | 0 possessed

[ rollercoaster day ]

combined bday today! will blog more the next time.. not really in the mood (and no more energy) to talk abt it (and give it the due attention it deserves =)..

my happiness meter had a field day today.. ecstatic over the present, plunging when we had to wait around so much and eric bein mean =( , high just before dinner, taking a nosedive again during dinner (think alcohol really makes me tired and depressed), hit rock bottom right after dinner, shooting up when taking photos, and got a bit higher after talkin to eric just now.. the later plunges were cos of a certain someone i can't get out of my system.. i really have no idea what i feel abt him, whether i still love him, why i cried.. i think i just felt so guilty and sad that i was so heartless to him, and it was such a waste that our r/s could not maintain on love alone.. breaking up is painful and bitter, no matter how much i hate him (which i don't).. so embarrassing to cry. sigh.

then the last rise in happiness today was cos.. he admitted that he likes me.. ok i thought he did, then i got really confused with all the signals i was getting, and then i thought that he didn't, but now.. well. yeah. he just admitted that he did.. =) not sure what to do abt it though.. and yeah that useless pig just went straight to sleep right after admitting!! -_-'' he's really taking it easy..

guess i'll head for the bed soon.. everyone's asleep but me.. =) just confused , i guess..

5:00 AM | 0 possessed

Thursday, December 23, 2004

[ clubbing yet again ]

hmmm gotta stay awake, cos i promised eric i'd wake him up at 3 for his stupid soccer match (-_-)" so anyway, gonna blog abt clubbing, do the presents and write bday letters.. hopefully get some sleep and lessen the eyebags, then wake the 3 pigs over at yj's house.. kinda sad that i couldn't stay over tonight.. maybe it would have made more sense to stay over today instead of tmr.. but well, kinda happy to be at home, able to rush the stuff =)

well, today's clubbing was fun! didn't find cb so crowded this time.. maybe cos half the world was at zouk for crave.. and argh i don't believe it ken was at zouk! =( should have gone phuture la....... =( well anyway, the baggage queue was madness, queued for more than half hour, i think.. then squeeze squeeze squeeze onto the dance floor.. it's so fun to be with dyc! =) yay glad that yj liked it enough.. =) then just danced away.. of cos, my eyes were closed half the time.. the other half was when i was (trying to) talk to dyc... hmm cheryl got hit on a few times! =D heh pretty girl =D the guy dancing beside me started talking to me to get to know cheryl =ppp er and well his friend wanted to get to know me.. i guess? no idea, thought both of them were interested in cheryl (obviously =p) oh well, didn't get his number or anything =) left at 1.15 cos the music was crap (but before that the rnb/top 40 was pretty good =) the ideal time period is 1130 to 1am.. well glad to be back, the gastric and alcohol and all the shaking was making me sick =) but well i'm glad we came back early, cos i think my mum's pretty impressed, i reached home at like 1.30am, which is much earlier than she had expected, i think =) the taxi driver was really nice.. is the cab fare for merc taxi cheaper? after going deep into nassim and out, the cab fare was only 2 bucks more than the last time we cabbed from cb to my house.. hmm. =D oh well, it doesn't really matter, at least it was only 2 bucks per person =) oh yeah, think i shouldn't take alcohol the next time, i think it makes me sleepy =) think i just need di (and other good company =) to get high on the dancefloor.. yay! let's go in a group again! =ppp

okies, combined bday tmr.. can't wait!!!

2:17 AM | 0 possessed

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

[ anything but sleep ]

yay the new layout's working.. i love it, it's really pretty.. the song's very sad, and pretty fitting for the image used (yj will know) =) am very happy to put this layout up, i'm just tired, so not much enthusiasm. just once more of predictable..

4:13 AM | 0 possessed

[ ironic yet again ]

vindicated, indeed.

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine ahead has caught my eye
And roped me in so mesmerizing
It's so hypnotizing
I am captivated
I am

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so
Isolated so
Motivated I am
Certain now that I am

So tired of the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment for forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim
Against the current

3:32 AM | 0 possessed

[ what am i doing? ]

ex-f came to look for me today. i was so shocked when he called me, and i tried to resist, but ended up going down. sigh. it was very sweet actually.. he bought that angel necklace again, the one that i got as xmas present last year, that i lost.. i was very touched, obviously. i'm not that hard after all.. but obviously i couldn't let him know that.. i felt so guilty abt just saying no, pretending not to care and joking when he was so sad.. he cried in front of me. but i didn't feel like i wanted him back, i was just gui;ty for making him cry. sigh. i'm evil, ain't i? gillian said i'm cruel. eric says i'm bitter. someone said i'm hard. maybe. sigh hate it.

it's 330am, and i'm on the comp. feel tired but not in the mood for sleeping. just thinking abt lotsa stuff la.. sigh. anyway. feel depressed. what am i doing, indeed.

3:15 AM | 0 possessed

Thursday, December 16, 2004

[ a reply ]

to someone that will never read it.
we were never together on a sat night, which is actually very sad. 22 months. how many sat nights have i spent with u? almost none. so don't put it there, lyrical as it may sound. i left u cos of u, of how u treated me. u scare me. being in a r/s is not abt hoping everyday that things will turn better, cos it never does. nor is it abt giving in all the time, in hope that it might make things easier to bear. a hardened heart is something that's actually quite sad, u know. do u know. i'm not supposed to be there only cos u need someone there to make u feel better all the time.. i was ur gf, not ur comfort blanket. things are supposed to go both ways, not one. that's why we ended like this.. even now u still don't realise it. u're not the only one in the r/s, but selfish u could never see that. u don't need me per se. u just need someone there that u can seek solace from. yes, i believed in the miraculous power of love that would overcome all obstacles, yada blah. now i know that cynical jaded me is much more realistic and sensible, cos the past 22 months have shown that nothing can survive on love only. i don't believe, and u can't blame me, cos u're the one who's changed me into this jaded, screwed up person that i've become. i don't want to try anymore.. there's too many failed attempts that littered our time together, and hope is just something that increases ur disappointment and pain. let me heal alone. u've got me battered and bruised inside already. i'm sorry, but a chance is something i won't risk.

and as an ironic reflection of your entry?

11:07 PM | 0 possessed

[ clubbing again =) ]

heh this is positively turning into a purely clubbing blog =) yay yday was fun! ok other than going out with eric cos it was nerve-wracking.. i actually couldn't talk for half an hour! me! the person who yatters and rambles when nervous! =) and i was so shaky.. (-_-)'' thank god that passed.. he's very very painfully shy! but actually pretty funny la.. don't believe i actually saw fab's bro at wisma.. really hope he didn't see me.. and i actually managed to not bump into my mum!! wow!! bumping into my bro or his gf is still ok la cos i think they'll help me anyway =) national treasure was pretty good.. think i'm not so against nicholas cage now=p hmmm it was so cool that all of us were at taka then! =) hope u guys didn't mind eating together (esp cheryl).. no dear i was not using u, just that it would have been pretty diff to have dinner together =) to think daph and di were there too! =)heh sorry yeah he's so shy couldn't make convo =) heh and i even clubbed yday.. glad i was convinced by u guys to go.. think my mum's slowly softening towards clubbing, thanks to my bro.. think he talked to her abt it and eased her mind a lil =) hated the crowd there though.. so squeezy. god. and the music was ok only.. tempo a lil slow and i didn't recognise like 99% of the songs =p but it was so fun to be in a group!! must go in a bigger group next time cos it's more fun and less scary on the fance floor =) erwin's very funny, and i'm glad it's easier to talk to rachel and jac now=p used to be pretty intimidated by them.. think i'm intimidated by alot of things/pple very easily =) heh rachel's really very funny! even if i didn't experience her high-ness after clubbing, she was amusing enough at phuture =) and this sounds a little thick-skinned, but after looking at myself in the mirror after clubbing, i think i didn't look too bad yday=p yay that's great i love being sick.. i eat little and i lose weight.. then i look thinner! it's the sore throat, i tell u.. makes it so difficult to swallow so i give up on eating totally=p must maintain this weight or lose 1 kg more, at least.. am so glad i lost 3kg after the a's, and the skirts aren't tight anymore =p yay! yday was really a great day! ok chris' fren really danced very weirdly.. and that group of guys who tapped my shoulder and said "er.. do i know u?" were super ugh.. but it was fun! heh

was thinking abt it.. and i think i like not being in a r/s now.. it's more fun cos there's less emotional involvement, and it's much less painful.. i like my heart as it is now, stony =) guess it's too bad for eric then =p and for ken.. well.. i do like him alot cos he's smooth, he's bad and he's really funny.. but usually falling for the ladies' guy ends up with a bad ending.. so i think i prefer it like this, just friends and having fun =) a fling with him would be cool, though =) cos he's so slick and has all the correct moves.. he makes girls feel good =p not in any mood for a heavy, emotional r/s for now =)

waking up this morning to an sms from pk, ex-f and and eric was a pretty weird experience, though.. =)

oh. think i'll escape town during vday next year =)

9:40 PM | 0 possessed

Friday, December 10, 2004

[ love this song ]

Strangely out of place
There's a light filling this room
Where none would follow before
I can't deny it burns me up inside
I fan the flames to melt
Away my pride
Do I want shelter from the rain
Or the rain to wash me away?
[chorus]
I need you, I need you, I need you
I need you, I need you, I need you
You're all I'm living for

I might sound like a fool
But I think I felt you moving
Closer to me
Face to the ground
To hide the fatal cut
I fight the weight
I feel you lift me up
You are the shelter from the rain
And the rain to wash me away

11:50 PM | 0 possessed

[ finally ]

i finally have access to a blog where i can say all i wanna say without fear of a certain ex-bf, nor certain girls.. man it's been so long since i wanted to talk abt alot stuff that i forgot what i wanted to say. i guess abt clubbing..

the first time we went it was pretty fun.. cos of ken! =) and cos it was our first time there, so it was coll and exciting. and the music was great.. of cos, time also passed very quickly, what with fab calling and smsing and calling and smsing and etc.. and me drinking more. haha oh well.. still don't believe eric so-called hit on me that night.. -_-" well ken's cool... cute.. funny.. he drives.. he's got all the correct moves.. but he doesn't like me. sigh. sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh. why is life so sad??? =(

oh yeah cheryl. forgot to tell u one more thing (no it's not abt tom, dick nor harry -_-) ken smsed me the night before prom.. which made me so happy! but all he could do was talk abt u.. so i decided to just fall asleep on him la. sigh. =( this is saddening. =(

anyway, the second time was sianing. think i was tired out from all the shopping, my feet were half-dead, the music was ok at best and positively disgusting at worst.. and there were too many pple.. but well. it was great to be with daph and di, cos they were great dancers!! it's so fun to dance with them cos they're cool and confident so some of that confidence rubbed off me.. i never thought i'd ever have the guts to dance on the podium man.. =) but sick and tired of it.. think it was lack of alcohol la.. but then got sick of the taste of alcohol too.. -_- and i still don't believe that bottle of evian costed 9 bucks. -_- i must go back on a wed and drink many free drinks to compensate my loss. =) the girl who chatted up cheryl was pretty nice.. carlyn? dunno why but i think she looks very familiar, and i'm sure it's not cos she has a common face according to cheryl.. vanessa was nice =) still feel quite guilty abt being the wet blanket and going home at 1plus.. i was feeling quite bleah too.. esp after ken's smses.. -_- and although di and i went down to dance again (with me wanting to stop thinking abt ken), it was techno crap. -_- there was a pretty cute guy with very nice eyes looking at our direction.. but he sadly remained a podium length away.. and TWO guys were looking at hot di dancing!! =) in the appraising way.. =)

have been smsing eric since sun night when i was so bored and had nothing better to do.. it's actually pretty fun la.. believe it or not i haven't had an sms conversation before.. kinda loser.. don't know where the 500 smses a month go to, judging how little i sms.. no dirt to dish, my dear muse.. he's just funny and pretty nice.. entertaining to sms la.. and i guess (if it's not too thick-skinned to say so) that he may like me? i really don't know how to read hints la for all i know he treats me like the lil sis he wanted but never had? i dunno. =( why doesn't he ask me out? i'm rotting away at home everyday facing stupid mtv and getting my brains fried by the radiation and my brain cells degenerating from all the crap that's on mtv. this sucks =( and now i finally realise how my dear cheryl uses a few thousand smses a month.. they just fly away, even faster than money (if it's actually possible) so well we'll have to see.. since ken doesn't like me, we can always try it out with eric..

prom was pretty boring. if not for all the crazy phototaking before the thing actually started, it would have been very boring. -_- ended the night on a very weird mood, thanks to fab, who will now be referred to as ex-f. he came to look for me after prom. and if u guys were wondering, the thing he got me were flowers.. which died. perfect omen. kept having to say no to him, see him so miserable (at least he didn't cry, or i'll be so embarrassed), asking to send me home (and i refused). a kiss/hug/everything else was met with a no too. duh. how can i soften now right. felt really guilty abt it, plus felt very sad that everyone else in hc had plans but me, even if it was just to a hotel room to bridge or what. felt pretty loser abt going home, but it was way to late to go clubbing. pretty wasted though, cos i think my mum was expecting me to go clubbin (and most prob was willing to let me go).. but anyway i was dead tired, my head hurt from hair being pinned up too tightly, my face had only abt 6 layers of gunk on it, and i was coughing all over the place. oh and did i mention my period? oh well anyway. was in a sucky mood then, and in a no better one now.. hate being stuck at home with spoilt comp nothing to read and everyone out having fun. even my stupid bro (most prob) went clubbing. this sucks. really really sucks. sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks.

did i mention, i like jay-z's dirtoffyourshoulder to dance to, and jaysean's eyesonyou cos i like the chorus..
Got my eyes on you
And I like what I see

10:21 PM | 0 possessed