+ and when the heart is set for eternity . .

> Sunday, February 08, 2009 <

+ digitised pain?

i don't understand why, but maybe i was never meant to. i just wonder why it was so sudden. i don't even know when it started, but everytime i think i've numbed myself to it, everytime i think i'm over this, i'll see something that reminds me of the pain. although i pretend that i don't care, and that it doesn't matter to me, the truth is that it does matter. bad habit - that i care too much.

and that is why the moral of the story is to not browse around facebook. chancing upon pictures without me and realising how many occasions there were just makes the wound deeper.

on the matter of fb-spying, in the past few days that i've been emo-ing, i've been checking fbs randomly out of a lack of better things to do. i kind of understand why my brother spies on us on fb so much - it's so easy to find out so much more info about a person on fb. and it's updated info. it's kind of sad how our lives are so public and so far from a personal touch that a person's relationship status change (aka breakup) is discovered on fb.

so i've decided to make my profile and pictures friends-only (not as if it will keep my brother away -_- but better than nothing).. i believe my private life is worth more than that. and hey, i like checking out the fbs of others, but i'm not planning to give others that satisfaction.

i never seem to learn. i'm sure i've written a post a year ago or so about not fb/friendster browsing cos looking at all the hot girls' photos make me feel so much more unhappy about how i look. recently i've kind of given up on feeling sad about how much weight i've put on and how crap i look in photos, and started feeling good about (or resigned to) how i look.. that i don't need the satisfaction from feeling attractive to people in general (measured by how many guys check me out, how many people dance with me, whatever). but all that fb surfing + emo-ing due to cramps and emo song playing has made me feel lousy again.

i think i've been feeling low generally recently that i've stopped bothering about anything.. hence the semi-numbness. or maybe it's due to my conscious effort at blocking out the above-mentioned pain that i can't feel like i bother abt anything anymore. including school.

about 1/2 hour ago, after chancing on the photos that reminded me abt the sad things, and reading di's status message, i felt like crying cos i missed DDC. but that feeling passed (was blocked?) swiftly.

even watching yoko do stupid things doesn't make me laugh.

maybe i'm just tired out.

at 2:37 AM * 3 hearts dreamt

3 Comments:

hello darling!!!
hahaha ur comment on my blog made me laugh!!! i dunno whose cows man! hehe must be some farmer's nearer to the hillside or something. i think the farmland area here's pretty big. so no idea where the farmer stays. hahaha

love u! "u are beautiful no matter what they say"

By diana, at 12:58 PM

thank you dear!! -_- my gawd it's really the countryside, farmland areas with no boundaries! keep a cow and drink fresh milk every day! exciting =)

By Tiff, at 7:46 PM