+ and when the heart is set for eternity . .

> Tuesday, February 07, 2006 <

+ lost

it's true, to paraphrase what cheryl said to me. i'm searching for some validation of my self-worth. i am so insecure abt myself. was thinking abt it last night, and i realise that there's nothing much that i'm good at.. so what is my excuse for my existance? it feels all too tiresome sometimes, to continue this struggle for survival. feel so worthless. nothing inside, nor outside.. feel so powerless, with everything pressing on me. time is running out, but i haven't found out the reason why i'm chasing after it..

i feel so lost, in this ocean of worry and uncertainties. i dare not take the plunge, i don't know how to. all my life, my life has been paved by my parents' decision. now that i'm bearing the full responsibility for how this path will continue, i can imagine the consequences of a wrong step, and all these possibilities of failure is weighing down on me. i want to be how i was, stepping where my instinct leads me, without calculating and analysing every detail like a miserly jew and his money.

i don't know how to express myself anymore, the only things i know how to write are work-related emails: how to bug pple nicely, how to sound cordial but not over-enthusiastic to superiors, how to indirectly criticise pple.

i feel so old suddenly. like i can just shrivel up and die. i don't want to think so much anymore.

at 12:41 AM * 1 hearts dreamt

1 Comments:

you know...this kind of stuff is stuff i love talking and listening to. sometimes all u need is another person to say some stuff that just hits the spot to get you going...there is meaning in life. but u have not set out to confirm it yet. im proud to say i have and it's not hard i can tell you...

By Saint, at 2:43 AM