+ and when the heart is set for eternity . .

> Wednesday, January 18, 2006 <

+ tired ranting

busy.
am troubled. seems like everytime i blog, it's when i'm sad and/or troubled.
miss yj.
am so sick of work that prevents me from spending more time with cheryl di daph like watching movies, going shopping, staying over, just bumming around doing nothing. i hate it i hate it i hate it. now that i have a choice on whether or not to extend my contract, i can't decide. i hate the hours, the fact that i have to do everything based on certain people's moods, i can't even make friends and go out with them without getting backlash (considering that this is my personal life and they do not have the right to criticise what i do in my personal life). but i probably wouldn't be able to find a part time job, the pay is good, i've got friends there, my mum wants me out of the house. is there a point in working just for the money. a tiny detached part of me tells me that the only reason why i don't want to work is cos i realise it's so materialistic to work only cos of the money, and i want to prevent myself from becoming that. i want to have some time, to slack around and have the freedom of having time on my side. it's worse than school, the fact that i've been going 6 months without having a chance to have a break.

then there's the schooling problem. which is for another day.

my mum doesn't want to listen, but just wants me to follow her wishes. my bf would rather not talk abt these stuff nor give an answer cos cos he doesn't want to risk facing the backlash from giving an opinion. it is so thick-skinned to keep talking abt one's own problems when with other pple.

am going out of my mind trying to figure out what i want.

i feel like letting go. abandon everything and run away to nottingham. wait till the problem comes knocking at the door before i acknowledge it.

honest thoughts. i guess i'm just to bothersome and irritating with all my problems, all the decisions to make. guess friends are more tolerant cos they don't face it as much as he does. feel like a pest. am i only loved when i'm happy, acting cute, making the decisions the other party doesn't want to make, everything only to a shallow level? is that all i deserve? maybe. my punishment, retribution? maybe i'm too dependant. but am i really able to, allowed to make the decisions myself? will everyone really not second-talk me, nor blame me for choosing what i did?

am being flattened by all the thoughts in my head.

at 12:27 AM * 1 hearts dreamt

1 Comments:

*gives you a hug*

If you ever feel like talking over your schooling options, feel free to talk to me. I know I may not be any help at all, since I'm a different situation than you, but I'm willing to listen any time. And dear, it's NOT thick-skinned to want to talk over your problems with your friends - that's why we're here, right? To give you a shoulder to lean on when you need it. I'm perfectly happy listening to your troubles anytime. *offers her shoulder*

And personally for me, although I know you were talking about something else, I can safely say that I'm not your friend only when you're happy, acting cute, making the decisions the other party doesn't want to make, everything only to a shallow level. I take you as you are, good or bad, as I'm sure you do the same for me. So really, feel free to shoot me off an email or something if I'm not online to talk to, and I'll do my best to reply asap. (That's one of my resolutions this year, to keep in touch more often. ^_^)

By YYJ, at 3:17 AM