+ and when the heart is set for eternity . .

> Monday, November 07, 2005 <

+ rubber band, when will you snap?

feel as if i'm being pulled in all directions.i 'm half dead, but yet i feel strangely compelled to blog. it's been a long week, and a painful one at that. many ups and downs, i don't understand. everything's been piling up, and the stress on this rubber band's gonna make it snap or just fly off and shoot something. in some instances, i've been trying, i've been changing. i'm really getting old. i no longer try to resist change, cos i can't find the energy in me to put up a fight. i actually let things pass even i feel upset abt it. i've lost my character, in some ways. how sorry. i meekly accept all the sarcastic jabs, the meanness, the hostility. i try to adapt, i keep trying to spur myself on. one more hurdle, 5 more months. life will be better, it'll have to be, somehow, because i don't think there's any way down further. ok maybe rock bottoms can be drilled through. everything seems so bleak now. everything's just another burden. work, money, shopping even. everything that i used to find enjoyable. i don't remember enjoyment anymore. i just feel like snapping. things aren't that happy on the r/s front too. long thought abt giving up, cos it's always just another dead end. turn around and backtrack, but get frightened by all the corpses littered along the old path. and then take a new bend, only to find another dead end. all the crying's too trying. i don't believe i bawled my eyes out to erwin. i don't know if i'm just deluding myself into thinking i;m trying when actually i'm not. i don't know if i can make this work out. nowadays, thanks to work, everything's more of just, fuck it and just go. more often than not, though not always. honestly, i don't like the new me. i don't know. i just feel very confused and just stretched. it's the most i can do now, please stop expecting more from me, cos i've already dug out my heart to offer more, used my innards to generate more. i cannot change in a day, give me time, give me gentle patience and encouragement. it seems like everyone in every aspect of my life is just waiting to see me fall, to pounce on yet another mistake. every thing i do wrongly is magnified, but no one wants to see my little successes in little things. if i don't keep reminding myself of the little victories, i'd have given up long ago. and i still can't hold on much longer. it seems like every aspect of my life is the same. i need to escape. i need to run away.

at 12:45 AM * 0 hearts dreamt

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