+ and when the heart is set for eternity . .

> Saturday, January 15, 2005 <

the last time i had an untitled entry, it was abt pk. i think i take my words back, i wouldn't have wanted him in the end. i don't know why, i just can't with him. there's just this permanent block between us.. which i don't think is that bad, actually..

anyway. feeling disgustingly bad. i mean physically. i've got an amazing headache, dead beat. feeling somewhat unstable inside. maybe punk rock's better than brit rock for me in this mood. anyway. can't describe what emotion it is.. maybe it's a mix of many.

still very unhappy with my dad.. just don't see why they can't just tell me straight to my face that i can't. no, it has to be a nice long guilt trip. it's manipulating my feelings. i don't do that to him, even though i can. and i couldn't protest, cos it's my nice dad. whatever. and all the lecturing today.. with a wonderful idea from my brother that if they cut off my allowance, they can stop me from going out and clubbing, cos cabbing back is ex. in this way they don't have to ground me, i won't be able to go out anyway. i think they're quite serious abt reducing my allowance, so byebye melbourne. don't want to talk too much, cos they'll just dig out more stuff for me to feel guilty abt.. it's already "daddy's been back for so long, but u haven't spent time with him at all", "daddy was so worried abt u, he kept waking up to wait for you, but you came back so late" etc. i do know, and i do feel bad. not that i think i shouldn't feel guilty for making him worry, but to use that and control me and make me follow their wishes is taking it too far. and then they'll move on to eric. question and nag and think of the weirdest things.

anyway. still feeling irritated. with him. so yeah. will blog abt the costume party another time, cos doing it now won't do it justice, with my black mood.

am in the worst, absolute worst way of self-destruction: eating. all the chocolates, bak kwa, just everything fattening and oily and bad. i hate it. but i can't stop myself, i just torture myself like this when i'm frustrated. and then go through mental self-torture when i realise how much i ate and how much weight i put on. vicious circle.

at 3:51 PM * 0 hearts dreamt

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